Posts Tagged "chicago"


up logoHey y’all! I’m in Chicago tonight!
Doin’ a set at UP COMEDY CLUB


10:30pm Show!!


C’mon out!!!


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Baby’s First Black Friday

In all my 20+ years, I have never participated in a Black Friday. Until this year.
This was the year I popped my competitive shopping cherry.

Ukraine election elderly coupleBeing raised by hardcore Catholic Ukrainian parents who think Jesus is the reason for the season and that you need to wait at least a month before you get new shoes because that’s how long it takes to figure out if you really need a sole to walk around or if it’s all just media hype. You can’t just go around buying things just cause, you need to have lusted after the item for about 3 years and then collect change because you aren’t going to use your hard earned money on a special edition My Little Pony Stable Kit if I have anything to do with it.

This year, I left all that heavily cultivated Catholic guilt behind and went to go buy things!

Shopping is not an activity I usually enjoy. I have maybe a two-hour window of tolerance, if I’m lucky. I just don’t like being around people. I’m growing into my dad’s hermit instincts more and more every day. One day, no one will know where I am and I will be happy.

This Black Friday, my Husband was with me. Being with someone you love should make the shopping experience more pleasant right? Wrong.

On a day like Black Friday, you need someone motivate you; help you push through those crowds to get the deals you know you deserve. To give you the endurance to wait in those lines that wrap around the store. To help you stand up to the sales girl who tries to sign you up for a million credit cards and just say NO.

What you don’t need is someone who hates crowds as much as you do. It IS one of the reasons I married him, but it does not bode well for the rigors of Black Friday.

The day was basically a countdown to when “We had enough.”


Shop Stop 1: Banana Republic
pantsWe had been tipped off that there was a sale going on until 12 or 1, our informant wasn’t sure of the cut-off, where you could take 50% off your first item and 40% off the second item. The ambiguous cut-off time sent brother-in-law into a frenzy and brunch was cut short.

We muscled our way through the crowds and were able to find a few choice items. I found a shirt with a bow on it. Husband got red pants.

Brother-in-law couldn’t find slacks in his size and his anxiety hit a new level. Luckily, we were informed of a Banana Republic across the street. Which leads us to-

Shop Stop 2: Banana Republic Across the Street
This Banana Republic KNEW from the frantic looks on our faces that the ONLY reason we were there was to get that sweet sweet before 12 or 1 PM deal.  So they handed us slips of paper that instructed us to take our time, buy all the things, you’ll still get the discount no matter WHAT time you check out.

The only time I’d been happier was when I found out that Fastpass was a thing at Disneyland.

Banana Republic Across the Street was WHERE IT WAS AT! There was not one but THREE floors of Banana Republic goodies, including a Heritage section. I never figured out what the Heritage section was specifically, just a place that sounds good to hipsters. Banana’s trying to cash in on those sweet Trust fund dollas.

We lost brother AND sister-in-law but I bought a black shirt. Husband’s nostrils were beginning to flare, 1st step towards “having enough”.

Shop Stop 3: Anthropologie
owls 017Never a place I actually buy things from because I can’t justify buying a felt owl for 48 dollars, but a place I love to “just look.” Super fun for Husband.

Two floors of tchotchkes, 60 ceramic owls and an embroidered dog collar later, Husband’s eyes were beginning to look bloodshot.

Shop Stop 4: Nordstrom Rack
As soon as I walked in I wanted to walk out, but the deals were just calling out to me and I couldn’t walk away. I grabbed on to Husband’s hand because I feared that if I lost him I would never find him again and all the cell phone reception had pretty much crashed because everyone was Instagramming their purchases.

We gave it an honest effort, but after fighting for mirror space for 10 minutes I decided I had enough.
I was sweating with my hair all over the place. Husband sat on a chair with a vacant look in his eyes.
Black Friday had won.

Shop Stop 5: Columbia
Husband walked in, saw the line and said “NOPE”.


Time of Death of Black Friday: 2:00PM CST


We bought a shirt!

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