Posts Tagged "california"

Things You Do While Waiting to Hear Back from a Job Your REALLY Want

1. Watch the entirety of Season 4 Dexter.

rita-dexter-
Rita’s dead?!?!?! oh wait, everybody knew that IN 2008!!

2. Personal Grooming.

 

3. Retail Therapy

4. Learn a new language on Duolingo and get frustrated when you can’t figure out how to say “I got the job!” in French.

5. DRANK.

6. Figure out where all my favorite 90’s sitcom stars went.

youn g grid-cell-12234-1380679502-5

Brendan Lambert AKA Frank’s son on the CLASSIC Step-by-Step AKA Josh Byne is now a Renaissance Fair enthusiast. Can you IMAGINE!??!?!
(Recon provided by Buzzfeed)

7. Find every Labradoodle on Pinterest and then REPIN them with the tag Poo-brador.

POO-brador!!

POO-brador with a snow beard!

POOOOOOOOOOOOO-brador!!!

8. Take Every quiz on Buzzfeed.
buzzfeed results

Every time…
(Results courtesy of Buzzfeed)

9. Write “Just thinking about you” letters to 30 of your closest friends.

10. Give your dog a haircut.

dog haircut

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Sex Does Not Exist

Visits with my parents are always a source of good entertainment.

After my mom told me they accept applications into med school until you’re 35 years old and x-ray technician school is a good backup plan to that, we had

THE SEX TALK.

NO!

Growing up in a super Ukrainian, SUPER Catholic household (emphasis my mother’s) I was under the impression that sex didn’t exist, until a girl in my second grade class explained blowjobs to me.

I’m not sure if my parents didn’t know how to give the sex talk or if they just avoided it and repressed any and all feelings like any good Conservative Catholic would do.

My mother’s version of the sex talk was a one-way conversation where she kept hammering in the same rule of thumb: “No sex until marriage, no exceptions.” End of conversation.

My dad’s approach to the sex talk was much more realistic.  He started to avoid me as soon as my period started.

The only involvement my dad had in my monthly hormonal downpours was walking in on me while I was crying mid-cramp and begging him for pain relief. He threw 2 advil at me and slammed the door. I didn’t see him again until college.

But this past weekend, my mom decided to make amends for the past education she never shared with me and OVERshared with me.

We were doing the usual, she was talking without taking any breaths and I was putting together my to-do list in my head, when she sideswiped me. What I thought was going to be a discussion of why I should plan a big “surprise” 50th Anniversary Extravaganza for her, ended up being a violation for my ears. And I have heard MANY violating things, including but not limited to a 60-year-old woman talking about how her graying pubes are falling out.

I won’t go into all the gruesome details but the anniversary talk turned into a discussion of parental sex that I never wanted to have. By “discussion” I mean my mom was telling me details of her private sensual nights with my dad and I made noises to drown out the scarring.

She then went on to ask me about MY sex life and how my husband was performing. That’s when I blacked out.

She was shocked that I was not interested in having the talk 15 years late

You know what mom? You can’t be shocked. You raised me to be the terrified-of-discussing-anything-sexual person that I am by scare-shaming me in my youth! Not to mention all those newspaper clippings of rape stories and teenage pregnancies you left on my pillow while I was at school! HOW CAN YOU BE SURPRISED!!?? I AM AS YOU MADE ME! EMBARRASSED BY NAKED PARTS AND THE BUMPING OF THE PARTS NECESSARY FOR REPRODUCTION!

“Well I’ll just ask your husband how you perform then.” – Mom

 

Current NYC friend count: 12
Current # of Sex Talks I wish I never had: 1
Current # of Sex Talks it feels like I had: 1,000,000,000,000,000

XO
I can’t UNhear it

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