Before we start, let’s do a recap of my life up to this point and why I am here:
I was born in California and subsequently raised there. I met a boy. I married the boy. The boy got a job in NYC. I moved with him. Because we’re married and because I want to be the Carrie.

I’ve never lived in the East Coast and I have a total of zero friends here so I’m starting over and taking you(the reader) with me.

As a baby standup, part of the job is to go to as many open mics as you can and “just get good” as all the veteran standups who have bothered to talk to me have told me.
You’d think that going out every night and being in a room with 5-25 comics should get me some new friends quickly. NOPE.

If you’re lucky and/or funny, you MAY get one person to talk to you after the mic is over, if anyone is still around.* But even if they talk to you, it won’t guarantee you friendship; much less a Facebook add or a twitter follow.

*It is customary for young stand up comedians to continue walking out the door as they leave the stage, not even slowing down to wave goodbye or finish his or her PBR.


So making friends is not going to be easy, but at least I’m in good company?
Which brings me to…

The open mic highlight of the week:
Meeting ex-Reality Show stars that now do comedy open mics!

This week, I was fortunate enough to perform in a bar that looked like a shipwrecked tiki lounge in Minnesota. The waiters were dressed in flannels and hula skirts, clearly a fusion bar. Guns and mai tais for everybody!

The ‘stage’ was a dark corner lit by xmas tree lights hanging off three dead animal heads; a moose head, a deer head and an eland head. That’s right. I learned what the fuck an eland was this week.

When the microphone wasn’t buzzing it was popping and when it stopped doing either it sounded like we were in space.

We DID have an audience, but they didn’t want to be. Much to their dismay, the bartender turned off the Miley Cyrus hits so we could regale them with tales of our depressing life stories one at a time for about 3 hours.

Open Mic Checklist:
Well lit stage: CHECK
High end Sound Equipment: DOUBLE CHECK
Uninterested & mildly irritated crowd: TRIPLE CHECK

There were not one but TWO ex-Reality Show Stars there testing out their life-after-reality material. Needless to say I was starstruck, once they told me who they were.

One was a plus-sized contestant on America’s Next Top Model who made jokes about whether or not she should hail (sic) Hitler while she’s modeling in Germany. The other was a contestant from everyone’s favorite love competition: Flava of Love. She just wants dick. And it shows.

While I sat back in wonder, watching as these ex-Reality Stars tried to make the room love them and failed, just as they failed to make America love them on their respective shows, I realized something:

I am one of them.

Not too long ago, I appeared on not one but two reality dating shows, neither of which I am proud of but money makes you do strange and unnatural things.

Me dating

I was quickly rejected on all 2 shows so I know a little something about pain and suffering.
Long story short, we did NOT become friends and cry together over a slice of pizza at the end of the night.

Current NYC Friend Count: -2

Ex-Reality Dating Show Star


  1. Eliana,

    Oh NO! You’ve moved off the left coast? I only got to see you once at The Ice House and now you’re bitin’ into the Big Apple!
    At least you found love (you’d just gotten married when I met you..) and have a life to look forward to. Never say never! You’ll have more friends and contacts than you can count before long. I’ve found most of the comics out here are friendly and supportive, is it that different back there? Most here hang around and talk shop after their bits.
    If I were you, I wouldn’t be sweatin’ the small stuff. You’ll get there and be as popular as ever.
    Break a leg, girl!

  2. Ya, sounds pretty crappy out in NY, so move back to LA already! I miss you!

  3. Can I move in with you and be your Charlotte-Samantha-Miranda?!?


    also i love you and i’m happy that you’re here. and i’ll totally be your samantha!

  5. “Anyone want to take a bet on whether West Virginia University would hold a scholarship for a football pltc2r?&#8e21;Ayaually, the answer is no. Missionaries become recruitable after serving a mission. Neither the school (any school) nor the athlete are bound to any scholarship commitment. BYU recently had a punter who lost his scholarship to the UW while serving a mission. BYU lost Ben Olsen when Ben chose to go to UCLA after his mission. The jab at football, while sometimes justified, is not in this case.

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